Islamic teachings put great emphasis in how we deal with people in our daily lives. The prophet (S.A.W.S.) summed up his message by stating: “I have been sent to perfect the best of manners”. As Muslims, we, therefore, have to be aware of how each one of us deals with people in our circles. Our good dealings not only will ensure that we are not violating other people’s rights but can also make us accepted, loved and appreciated by others. Luqman once said to his son, “O my son: Let your speech be good and your face be smiling; you will be more loved by the people than those who give them provisions.” – (Mentioned in the stories of ibn Kathir.)
Experience shows that
life becomes pleasant when we can manage our work and relationships well. Quranic wisdom and the example of Prophet
Muhammad (p.b.u.h)’s dealings with people should help us steer our
relationships and keep them on the right track. This post highlights certain
essential principles of Islam that guide us in this matter.
Not showing pride and arrogance
It is so easy to get carried away by whatever
we may possess of wealth and the good things of life. It is so easy and common
to credit ourselves with our achievements and feel proud of them, and then, as
a matter of course, to look down upon others who haven’t been able to make the
same effort or reach the status we might have achieved. What makes all this
happen is our own ego and the ever opportunistic Satan who knows our
vulnerability. And so The One Who cares for our well being the most, Allah the
Most Merciful, has warned us against falling into the trap of pride and
arrogance.
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He Says in the Quran (interpretation of the
Arabic meaning):
And turn not your face
away from men with pride, nor walk in insolence through the earth. Verily,
Allah likes not any arrogant boaster. (Surah Luqman:18)
The way to avoid pride
and arrogance is to remember Allah as much as we can till it becomes a habit to
instantly thank Him for any good that comes our way. Thankfulness to Allah
creates humility in us and makes us aware that we’re not entirely responsible
for all the good things of life. We wouldn’t have gotten them if He hadn’t
willed them for us, nor can we retain them if He decides to take them away from
us.
Not to mock others
We often see people taking pleasure in making
fun of others or mocking them. Is it that the ego craves for the satisfaction
of proving oneself better than others by looking out for others’ weaknesses and
laughing at them? But Allah admonishes us:
O you who believe! Let
not a group scoff at another group, it may be that the latter are better than
the former. Nor let (some) women scoff at other women, it may be that the
latter are better than the former. (Surah Hujrat, 11)
Allah tells us
that our knowledge is restricted by our limited perception.
Since we’re not aware of any one’s real worth, wouldn’t it be foolish to laugh
at those who might actually be better than us? We can curb this tendency by
opening our eyes to the fact that when we think that others deserve to be
ridiculed, we’re actually fooling ourselves and no one else (though we might
find a few thoughtless and insensitive people to give us company in our foolish
pastime).
Not addressing people with undesirable titles
A general misconception about sense of humor
is the so called ‘ability’ to make others laugh. Giving nicknames to others on
account of some negative characteristic that is noticed in them or even some
disability that they might be suffering from is a crude form of entertainment.
Making fun of those who stammer, or are very short or lean, is obviously some
form of indecency practiced by callous people, and enjoyed by others who lack
sensitivity to human feelings. Allah warns us against such behavior and
practices. He says:
. . . Nor defame
yourselves, nor insult one another by nicknames. Evil is the name of wickedness
after faith. And whosoever does not repent, then such are indeed
wrongdoers (Surah Hujrat:
11) (To get a book on Islamic etiquette and manners, click here)
Refraining from ‘tajassus’ (spying)
Imam Al-Nawawi (rh)
said that scholars have differentiated between ‘tahassus’, which means
‘snooping’ and listening to other people’s conversations, and ‘tajassus’,
which means ‘spying’, seeking out other people’s faults and looking for
secrets. Both activities are considered evil and have been forbidden. Allah
Says:
O you who believe!
Avoid much suspicion; indeed some suspicion is sin. And spy not, neither
backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead
brother? You would hate it. And have Taqwa of Allah. Verily, Allah is the One
Who forgives and accepts repentance, Most Merciful. (Hujrat 49:12)
Is it for want of a better activity to keep
ourselves busy, that we enjoy peeping into others’ lives?
Seeking out information about other people’s
state of affairs, searching and disclosing their secrets has been strictly
forbidden. (Hence, to eavesdrop upon somebody while hiding or pretending to
sleep is like spying on others.) Spying done with the intention of exposing the
faults or unveiling the secrets of others, is a sin. It also leads to backbiting
which is Haram. Allah has closed every door that leads to the evil of
backbiting and has made spying Haram.
Abu Huraira (RA)
narrated that the Prophet (p.b.u.h) said:“Beware of suspicion, for
suspicion is the worst of false tales; and do not look for the others’ faults
and do not spy, and do not be jealous of one another, and do not desert (cut
your relation with) one another, and do not hate one another; and O Allah’s
worshipers! Be brothers (as Allah has ordered you!). (Bukhari)
Our relationships
should always have only a positive outcome. That’s the only way to seek Allah’s
favor when in the company of others. We should say what’s good or refrain from
saying anything. We should also have the moral sense and courage to stop others from backbiting for even if
we don’t contribute to it, we become guilty of the sin by being silent
listeners and participants. The best means of avoiding it is by changing the
topic or saying sensibly that we don’t really know the whole truth of the
matter so that we shouldn’t be unfair to any one.
Resolving differences with people
According to Abu Hurayrah (RA), the Messenger
of Allah (p.b.u.h) said:
“The gates of
Paradise will be opened on Mondays and on Thursdays, and every servant [of
Allah] who associates nothing with Allah will be forgiven, except for the man
who has a grudge against his brother. [About them] it will be said: ‘Delay
these two until they are reconciled; delay these two until they are reconciled.'” [Muslim
(also by Malik and Abu Dawud)]
As long as we nurture
any kind of enmity in our heart and prolong any conflict with a Muslim brother, we’re
giving evidence of the weakness of our faith. For Faith in Allah is expressed
through obedience to Allah. And Allah has said this in the verses of the Quran:
The believers are but
a brotherhood. So make reconciliation between your
brothers, and have Taqwa of Allah so that you may receive
mercy. (Surah Hujrat:10)
So have Taqwa of Allah
and settle all matters of difference among you, and obey Allah and His Messenger,
if you are believers. (Surah Aanfal:1)
Whatever be our
differences in opinions or feelings, we’re expected to set them aside and
maintain good relations with each other. Ego ‘nafs’ is never to be
allowed to supersede true faith. The whole purpose of our life is to prepare
ourselves for the hereafter, and with this long term goal in mind we have to
overcome pettiness and trivialities. Our constant struggle is
with two real enemies. One is Satan who keeps making the world and worldliness
more and more alluring for us. The other is our own ego that inflates our
importance in our eyes beyond any sensible measure. It is these that cause
conflicts and misunderstandings.
Controlling your hands and tongue
How do we resolve differences that have
unwittingly or even intentionally cropped up? The best way is to control our
tongues and hands that might be too eager to express those feelings! Discretion
in speech and actions is the hall mark of a sensible person. We need to
consciously practice patience; we need to learn to talk to ourselves, to
introspect, before we give freedom to our tongue to have its way. Especially
when it comes to speaking about others or voicing our opinion about them, we
need to be extra careful that we don’t mislead anyone. Speaking thoughtlessly,
or on hearsay, amounts to slander about which we have been warned strictly.
Allah Says:
And those who abuse
believing men and women, when they have not merited it, bear the weight of
slander and clear wrongdoing. (Ahzaab33:58)
Giving the benefit of doubt – Attributing positive motives to
others’ actions
It would help to keep
away form slander if we could cultivate the habit of thinking well of others so
that even when we hear something negative about them we don’t just get carried
away by it but try to see what could have gone wrong. Attributing positive motives to others’ actions helps
in understanding them better. Let us also remind ourselves whenever we attempt
to judge others, that no one is perfect. We too have our own drawbacks which we
wouldn’t like being mentioned or discussed. Hence fairness requires that we do
unto others what we expect them to do to us. Moreover, we’ve been assured
protection and covering of our faults by Allah the Most Merciful on the Day of
Judgment, if we’ve been careful to cover the faults of a Muslim brother /
sister here on earth.
Expressing gratitude to others
Expressing gratitude for favors done and
help rendered is not only the basic requirement of social etiquette but has far
reaching effects. It strengthens our relationship and adds warmth to it. On the
other hand, taking others for granted, however close the relationship might be,
causes disappointment and conveys the impression that we don’t know how to
value people, that we just know how to use them! Thanks and appreciation
expressed sincerely with a smile gives off a bright glow which is felt by the
heart.
Smiling at others is charity
Allah All Knowing considers smiling at others
a charity. We know very well what a smile can convey – absence of ill feeling,
acceptance, warmth, and the willingness to share our time or space. Let us not
be miserly about brightening our face with a cheerful smile.
Visiting the sick
Great merit has been
attached to the act of visiting the sick. The Prophet (p.b.u.h) showed concern
for a (Jewish) woman who’d throw waste on him whenever he passed her house. The
day she failed to throw it, he enquired about her and came to know that she was
sick. He tended to her through her sickness and when she recovered she
instantly accepted Islam, seeing what character it develops in Islam’s followers.
(Read a dua asking for health here)
Being kind, gentle, caring and concerned
The prophet (p.b.u.h) has given us excellent
examples in forgiveness, kindness and tenderness. An old woman who intended to
leave Makkah since she did not like the idea of a new religion being preached
by a young man named “Muhammad” didn’t realize that he was the one helping her
by carrying her belongings and accompanying her till the outskirts of the city.
Complaining all the way about a new faith being preached, which required giving
up old customs and practices, she finally asked the Prophet his name just
before parting. On coming to know that this was the man on account of whom she
was about to leave Makkah, she not only retraced her steps and changed her
decision of leaving, but also accepted Islam seeing its exemplary
representative and a living ideal!
Conclusion
Bad habits picked up
over the years in dealing with people can sometimes be
difficult to let go and may not even seem that bad. However, we need to strive
in changing the undesirable so our families, friends, peers, and others can see
the better of us.
— End
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